The Truth is Dichotomy

It wells up inside of me. I push it down, tell it to not bother me, I needn’t think about it. I have three beautiful stepchildren. I’m making some headway with Jenny – we had our first phone call. A sad situation has brought us together. I hope this will bring us closer – our love for the children.

But it still wells up. I read blogs not even looking for it, but there it is: a mother waxing poetics about the little piece of her on two legs with her blue eyes, a mother sighing over her daughter’s soft tendrils of curls, and suddenly it all builds up and I want to yell, AAAAAAHHHHHHH!

I want my own baby.

Sometimes.

It’s hard to be inundated by it all. On TV, blogs, facebook, friends chatting to me, coworkers chatting to me, music; it’s everywhere: the love a mother has for her child.

Why isn’t there, officially, a Stepmother’s Day? There’s a National Stepfamily Day, I just found out last year. Why don’t stepmothers write songs about the experience? A love song for one’s daughter or son is high on the charts. There are books dedicated to authors’ children. I don’t find my people, though.

I want to change that. I have a chapbook of poetry called, “The Stepmother’s Secret,” and I just have to keep sending it out for publication, hoping someone will be interested in it. I want to change culture. I want to take stepmothers’ hands and lead them into the spotlight.

Google “stepmother.” It’s appalling right now. What you get on the first page is a wikipedia entry and a “wicked stepmother” link and the case where the stepmother of a missing boy was probed. I know there are stepmother resources out there. I have some listed as links. I belong to the groups on facebook. I have a forum I go to to connect and feel safe.

But that doesn’t change that, when it comes right down to it, I long to know what the combined DNA of my husband and myself would turn into. What color eyes? Hair? What temperament?

I suppose this will always be a challenge to face. I’ll never stop wanting that kind of connection, that kind of legacy, with my husband.

But legacies aren’t only born. They can be passed on via acts and deeds. Dancing with Atrus in my arms. Praying at night with Gabrielle. Lying on the floor talking with Aislyn. Letting them see me be the best person I could be. Dolling out love like a never-ending ribbon of light. I can pass on the morals my mother passed on to me.

These kids might not have my DNA, but they will have me in their lives forever, God willing. I said that to Jenny on the phone yesterday. The three of us – Lee, Jenny, and me – we are their mainstays.

So yes, I go back and forth between being Grade “A” Stepmom and being A Childless Stepmom. I know that sounds harsh.

It’s just a fact. There will always be a little girl inside of me. Not me as a little girl, but a girl with blue-green eyes and straight brown hair. I picture her to be 3 or so years old. She has Lee’s eyes and my hair. Hopefully not my Roman nose. I love her as if she is real. But she is not. She will always live inside me, though. My unborn child who will never be born.

And that’s the truth: it’s a dichotomy. Am I bad stepparent because I long for my own child with my husband? No. It doesn’t make me love these three any less. If anything, it makes me long for them more because they are here. Now. And will be forever.

And as we say at prayertime, forever and ever, amen.

A 7-year-old’s Get Well Card

I just want to tell you how thoughtful my 7-year-old is. I told all three kids that I was having to say a tough goodbye to my best friend who was moving cross-country and that I might come home sad – but that was okay. I would just need a lot of hugs.

 

Before I left, Gabrielle had a box and in it was a surprise, she said. I opened it and it was two booklets of index cards stapled together. One booklet portrayed colored pictures of food and a smiling “me” and in the other one (pictured left) had that in it.

 

It reads: “I Luve you Lisa” and on the opposing page: “I hope thte you fell batr.”

 

I nearly lost it right there. I said an emotional “thank you” and hugged her. I said I would take it with me so I could look at it in the car when I drove home while I was the saddest.

 

I am so proud of that gift. Gabrielle has gone from a 4-year-old who had screaming fits and violent outbursts to an empathetic, creative, wonderful 7-year-old girl. A very perceptive girl. I have to watch myself.

 

Sure enough, I did say goodbye to that friend. Sure enough, I did cry. Sure enough, I looked at my “get well card” and smiled inside. My heart warmed me in the cold car and I turned the key and started the car for the ride home.

 

Thank you, Miss G. You never cease to amaze me.

And when time passes again…

We are now in our small-town house. It is absolutely beautiful and we are so grateful that we got it. It was a long, messy road, but we finally moved in.

 

I haven’t written in this blog for some time because, frankly, I have been made aware that Jenny reads this occasionally. I knew that there was the possibility of that happening, but I just wanted to share my love for my stepkids. We are in custodial confusion, in limbo, not knowing what is going to happen. I can’t go into it that much, but it’s heart-breaking. The thought that I could see my stepkids less just eats my heart away. These are the only kids I will ever have and no I am not trying to take them away from Jenny or trying to take the place of “Mother.” I have a stepmother. I know better than to do that. I didn’t want my own stepmother to take the place of my own mother. I had a mother. Instead, my stepmother complimented my parenting experience. Lord, I wish that Jenny and I could get along better and the three of us could really co-parent and make decisions which are in the best interests of these three miracles.

 

In better news, Christmas was a wonderful time our house. The kids went to their Mom’s Christmas Eve and spent Christmas Day with us. The kids really love it here. They each have their own room which we are trying to help them individualize; there are so many kids around our neighborhood that they already have a handful of friends they play with. Now that it’s getting cold out, kids are outside less, so that will make playing more difficult, but we have hosted get-togethers before.

 

I look at pictures of the kids from last Christmas and look at them now and really see how they have grown up. I’ve never had the opportunity to watch children grow before my eyes. Of course, it’s only been two years or so, but I already see them all looking so … old! Where is little snuggly Atrus? Gabrielle’s temper tantrums have stopped almost altogether, which is fortunate. She’s really grown into herself. And Aislyn has started junior high and there is so much to talk about regarding this boy or that boy. Not that long ago, every time anybody (including on TV) kissed, she said, “ewwww!”

 

My father and stepmother were able to come up Christmas weekend and spend the day spoiling the kids. I’m so grateful for how the kids have embraced my family (which includes the Gordons – my aunt, uncle, and cousins).

 

We all have started something fairly new, too. Lee has always been Christian, but I always dabbled in different faiths. Well, in the beginning of November, we had a breakthrough and decided to become good Christians – raising the kids in a more Christ-like manner, living by the love and faith of God, teaching them about prayer and who Jesus Christ is. All three look forward to prayers at night. We have found a wonderful church to call home and the Pastor and congregation have embraced the whole family. Gabrielle scribbled a note to our Pastor one day during service that read “I love God.”

 

Lee and I are giving these uncertain times over to God. Only He knows what will happen on down the road. For the present, however, we are focusing on loving the children with our whole beings. We know the custody confusion has been hard on them – particularly Aislyn – and I, especially, would love to assure her that she won’t lose either parent. I don’t want their mom out of the picture; I think having their father in their lives equally is important as well.

 

Divorce is so hard on kids. I remember, faintly, my own parents’ divorce. I was three years old. I wish Mom was alive so I can ask her what I was like. My best friend is getting a divorce and she has a three-year-old and a three-month-old. The three-year-old is acting out like you wouldn’t believe. It’s so sad to see her hit and pound her mother out of anger at her father… and then so heart-achingly sad to watch my friend wrap her arms around her little shaking body and whisper, “I will never leave you.”

 

Kids need to feel secure that their parents are there for the long haul. My prayer for this family is that each child feel safe and secure that their mother and father will always be a constant presence in their lives. They deserve both parents. And me? They deserve me, too. I have so much love to give. They have so much love to give.

 

This family has been through so much. Oh, I just want peace. Love and peace.

 

Big Changes Happen When Time Passes

Hello, folks! So much has happened since last we sat and chatted. Lee and I are buying a house – a process that has been going on since mid-July and has made us homeless for a month due to its complexities.  But here we are, our last week with the kids before we get our OWN home.

This house represents a lot for us. Our old house that we rented represented Lee and my togetherness. We rented that house together. First, it was us. Then the kids came. But this new house represents us as a family. Custody has been changed to 4 days with us and 3 days with Biomom, much to her dislike. But she wasn’t getting the kids to school and we/I do and THAT is in the best interest of the kids and thank god the judge knew that.

The time from September 1st to now has been extremely challenging. Atrus has had the hardest time adjusting, as we spend weeks in hotels. It got VERY claustophobic toward the end and we were all biting each other’s heads off. Yikes!

But good news is in the air and we think the closing date is in early October.

I can’t wait for the kids to see the house, to feel its warmth, to run around in the yard, marvel at the shed, that will be their clubhouse  and think to themselves:

home.
security.
safety.
love.

That is all I ever want for them.

Oh, How They Grow

Ah, the sounds of restless young’uns wanting to go “home” – or back to their mother’s.

It’s been two weeks that we’ve had the kids, their “summer vacation” with us. I’m glad to say that it went far better than I had anticipated. I should also tell you that for reasons I can’t go into at this moment, Lee and I have been under a HUGE amount of stress. It’s like the garbage truck kept dumping trash on us. But we survived it – even with three kids for two weeks – and we are all the stronger for it.

All three kids are growing up before my eyes. Aislyn has grown into a slender, leggy almost-12 year old (come September) with long, beautifu blonde hair (when she takes care of it) and Gabrielle just got a haircut – a bob a little above chin-level, is still into mischief and proudly told everyone at day camp that she wants to be an Art Teacher. That made me happy. After her angsty teen years, she will make a great Art Teacher. And Atrus – he has grown the most, in my opinion. He’s acquired this new facial expression that has…dare I say it…some attitude in it? At first, I found it hilarious, like finding new facial expressions on a baby, but then I realized he was soon-to-be-four years old (come October) and the expression wasn’t so dear anymore. But he’s opening up at day care and forming a much bigger vocabulary. I’m happy to say that the withdrawn, shy, anti-social boy I met is opening up a lot. I’m so happy.

Over the summer, Aislyn took summer school classes and at the end of her literacy class, she declared that she enjoyed reading and writing more. Oh! Music to my ears! I tried not to inundate her with story ideas and suggestions for her to keep a journal or go out and buy tons of books for her. I know she feels a little overwhelmed and I want to take this slow. This can be her saving grace and I want to cultivate it, not scare it away. She does not have to follow in my footsteps as a writer or veracious reader, but I want what I want to teach everyone: that writing out your feelings can be so helpful.

This Fall, Aislyn goes to middle school, 6th grade. I can hardly believe it. Gabrielle goes to first grade. Atrus was sad that he wasn’t “advancing” like his sisters, but I told him he’d be in kindergarten in two years and he jumped on that. He kept repeating it as if it were two days instead of years. He’s so excited to be in school like his sisters.

Happily, I’ve found I’ve had much more patience with the kids during this two-week period. I’ve seemed to come out of my “trough” of being unsure of whether I wanted to be a stepmother.  I knew I would come out of the trough. It’s just a natural part of being a new stepmother, in my opinion. First the honeymoon period, then the trough, or in other words, “what have I gotten myself into?”… and then the rising out of the trough and accepting the kids in good times and bad, much like a marriage.

By the way, check out August’s issue of StepMom Magazine online – two of my poems are in in: “The Stepmother’s Secret” and ” All of Us Unicorns.” I am thrilled that they accepted my poetry and can think of no better venue to publish my stepmother poetry.

And with that I leave you… may your house be void of children’s screaming, full of love and kindness, hugs and kisses.

Pre-Me

So I’m at my favorite cafe ready to do some writing and I was hooking up my Zune player (like an iPod) and remembered that some pictures were stored on it. I paged through and, to my delight and somewhat disorientation, I found pictures of the kids while Lee was still married to Biomom. There weren’t any pictures of her, just the kids. I’d never seen Atrus as a 1 year old or Aislyn with such short hair, looking about eight. Gabrielle had the bob haircut she has now, but her cheeks were chubby with baby-fat. I rejoiced in finding these pictures. It was like a glimpse into a life I was not part of – through no fault of anybody – but still, I felt like a secret had been shown to me. These were your stepkids before they became your stepkids. I did not feel sad at not knowing them; instead, I felt lucky to have found the pictures and a quick peek into a life that wasn’t mine. To see where these three beauties came from.

I think it’s important for all stepmothers to realize and accept that there was a life pre-stepmom. There was a whole marriage, but that’s another story. These kids’ lives existed before the stepmom, came into the picture.

What matters now is how you can enrich the lives of the children, how much love and support you can surround them with.

Fickle Feelings

Hello, folks. I apologize for not updating this blog more frequently. I’m still having unsettling and confusing feelings about being a stepmom. But what better time to think things through than a three-week vacation from the kiddos while they are with biomom, right? Especially because in two weeks, we’ll be getting them for three weeks and that is… a scary thought to me right now.

Although, I’ll be honest: right now, I miss the squirts. I miss Aislyn’s innocent questioning of the universe. I miss Gabrielle’s hugs and smack-kisses on the cheek at bedtime. I miss Atrus’ big blue eyes and that infectious laugh. Today is the day we’d usually get them from biomom. Instead, I’m going through some severely stress-induced physical ailments which I won’t go over here (read Romantic Circus Songs blog if you really want to know). So it’s for the best that the kids aren’t here. And it’s nice to get a break. Tomorrow I’m off work and don’t have to stay home and watch kids. I can go to my favorite cafe and write my long-missed poetry. I can cuddle inside myself and be me again.

So can I be me with the kids here? That is the big question. Lee and I have quite different views on if a stepmother can love a child as much and as intensely as a biomom. I’ve heard both sides from both biomoms and stepmothers. And fathers. And aunts. And friends. There seems to not be one answer. I think it comes down to each individual case. You love as much as you want to love, as much as you invest into it. And I want to invest my time and energy into these kids… honestly, just not right now.

Right now I want to be taking care of my mental health, my physical health (which is at the forefront right now), my marriage. There is so much of a foundation that has to be laid and taken care of before I can comfortably give my heart to three beings. Don’t get me wrong; I love them already. I just know that I’m going to have to give more of myself, my time, my energy, as months go on (and who knows what the custody decision will be this Fall) and that overwhelms me and makes me feel very sketchy.

I love them. That’s already a given. But I love them as one loves a favorite pair of earrings she can pick up and put down at her own will. I haven’t actually realized that these are MY stepkids… I am co-parenting with Lee…I have a vengeful and angry and hurt biomom on my hands. I have to be a stable, loving feminine force in their lives. I want to be. But the longevity of it all hasn’t hit me yet. Sure, I think of what they’ll be like as teenagers, adults, but I’m just now realizing that, along with my vows, I promised to help raise these kids along with my husband. I don’t want to take the place of their mother; I never could. They wouldn’t let me.

And that’s such a paradox, isn’t it. The father (I’m speaking generally here) wants the stepmother to love his kids as her own… and the kids may love her back… but the biomom has their love in an exclusive way the stepmom will never have. And the stepmom shouldn’t expect that same Mom love. I didn’t love Lyn like I loved my own mom. I still loved her, though. And I still do. How do I describe that love? It’s different than an aunt or a friend.

I think the role of stepmother is this shadowy, little-defined role that so many women -and men – are confused about. Stepfathers have related issues, as well.

And so I bounce between having this annoyed feeling toward the kids and, on some days, feeling utterly pure love and devotion for them. And you know what? It has less to do with them and more to do with myself. How am I feeling about myself at a given moment? If I’m coming home on a Tuesday night to have dinner with everyone, do I feel good about myself so that I can speak up during dinnertime and ask how the kids’ day was? I tend to shut down during mealtimes and Lee has to pick up the slack and that’s not fair. What is going on in my own mind about myself at that point?

Because the kids aren’t being a problem. They aren’t problematic kids. They are rarely naughty (okay, Gabrielle and Atrus occasionally find themselves in trouble). It’s the impact they’ve had on my life that I find difficult to bear sometimes. The time away from “my favorite things” that I have to deal with. I think I just have to adjust better to being a wife and stepmother. I’m out of the “honeymoon” phase. I’m in the “let’s dig in” phase.

I can’t blame myself for having fickle feelings toward them, either. They are still new fixtures in my life. Hell, even my husband is a new fixture in my life if you really want to get technical. I don’t consider something a fixture until the 5 or 10 year mark. Everything changes. New people drop down from heaven into my life – like Lee and the kids. I’m still getting used to it all.

And I have to be okay with that.

I Never Wanted to Be So Smart As I Do Now

I realize I’ve not written in a long time. That does have a reason. I’ve been having conflicting feelings about being a stepmother and things have been awkward at home and within myself as I try to figure out what kind of stepmother I am and want to be.

It’s worth mentioning that this month’s “StepMom Magazine” has a fabulous article about the stages of being a stepmother: shiny, shattered, and smart. In brief, shiny is the honeymoon period where your stepkids can do no wrong, shattered is when you start to feel the pangs of uncertainty of  stepmotherhood, and smart is when you come to realize who you are in this new family and you feel confident and, well,  smart.

I’ve discovered I’m in the “shattered” phase. The kids haven’t changed or grown horns or anything like that. I feel like I have changed. Depression has its effect in this arean; it’s pretty hard to feel excited about the kids when all I want to do is sleep and escape from the world. But even in my more coherent moments, I find myself getting more discouraged with how I feel in this microcosm.

To add to this, Lee (with my agreement, in what’s best for the kids) has decided to go for full-time custody of the kids because Jenny isn’t bringing the girls to school – for obsurd reasons: they stayed up too late the night before, she has a headache…the list goes on.  That is completely unacceptable and we, as well as Aislyn, are already worried she won’t pass 5th grade due to how many days she’s missed and how far behind she is.

The idea of having them full-time scares me to death, but I know it is best for the kids. I can make it tolerable for me. I can put more effort into it. I’ll have to take lots of time-outs, myself,  just to keep my sanity. Part of me wants this idyllic family life I envision when I feel good about the kids; part of me wants to run and hide with my cat and read books all day in bed. This is normal, right?

I’m told even biological mothers want to escape from their kids sometimes. It’s natural. Stepmothers have this sense of duty: “I need to be ‘on’ for the kids all the time, available all the time, the mother figure all the time without taking place of the biological mother.”

I’m all for duty and responsibility, but we need to take care of ourselves as well: mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. If we are not up to par, how can we be that good stepmother for the kids? The same goes for parents of any kind.

I find my tolerance for the kids waxing and waning like the moon. Some days the moon waxes and I want to cuddle with all three of them and fulfill their every wish. Some days the moon wanes and every request sounds like a screeching car accident.

So there will be a lot of changes in this house hold in the coming months. For the first time, the kids will be spending 3 weeks with us for summer vacation (and hence going with Jenny for 3 weeks) and then there’s the custody question. To clarify, we are in no way trying to get the kids away from their mother, as much as we dislike her. That’s not the point. The point is that the girls aren’t getting a proper education – a basic need and right – and Aislyn especially – is falling so far behind. She thinks she is stupid at school when, really, she is not. She just hasn’t attended enough of school to be caught up to feeli smart and get good grades.

I’d love to hear from other stepmothers who have established their type of stepmother or who have navigated through the three stepmother stages to the “smart” stage.

Here’s to the owl and the grasshopper,

Lisa

Mom’s Day Outcome

my Mother's Day bounty!

And now let me tell you how my first Mother’s Day actually went!

The girls did remember (Atrus is too young)!! They holed themselves up in their room only to come out to measure my head (ha!) and then squirrel away back up there. Then, as I was making dinner, Aislyn comes up to me with a grin and presents me with a crown and card (see picture) and Gabrielle gives me a green card. I literally tear up and feel so much love for them. I say thank you SO much and I tell Aislyn that I almost thought they forgot. She got a shocked look on her face and said, “Oh, I’d never forget! I got a flower for my mom but couldn’t get one for you because I didn’t have enough money.” I laughed and said I just loved my crown and homemade cards. I was in heaven!

At dinner, we ate in the living room (a rare thing) and Aislyn said, “Because it’s YOUR DAY, you should sit on the couch with us.” I beamed.

Later that night, the girls and I went to Ella’s Deli, a fun ice cream restaurant with a carousel and lots of toys and activities going on inside. We had a fabulous time. All my doubts and worries were put to rest and I laughed at my insecurities.

I am lucky, indeed!

Mother’s Day Musings

Happy Mother’s Day, Mothers, Stepmothers, Aunts, Grammas, Godmothers, every important Woman in another person’s life!

I’m sitting here waiting for the kids to be dropped off. Lee is painting the girls’ dollhouse. Jenny is, as usual, late. But that just gives me some time to jot down some musings after reading the latest StepMom Magazine and after living the last week of my life.

First: Mother’s Day. I’ve found it a pretty confusing day, so far. I woke up from a dream where I very distinctly saw my mother and believe she “visited” me. I woke up missing her, but happy to have just “visited” with her.

Then I thought about the kids coming over later and realized that when it comes to Mother’s Day, Atrus and Gabrielle probably scribbled a drawing for Jenny and Aislyn probably made a more sophisticated card expressing her love for her mom. I wondered, even aloud to Lee: would I get anything? I didn’t expect anything, really. I would like to get something; after all, this is my first Mother’s Day where I am really a mother. Can I say “mother?” Okay, Stepmother. Quasi-Mother. I wanted a recognition of that. But the kids are young, I told myself. It may not occur to them to give me anything. They have a mother.

Lee and I had words about him not wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day. After a long talk, I realized that he was trying to be sensitive due to the fact that I was having a hard time of it concerning my own mother. And, he said, he was going to say something later in the day. I just hadn’t given him a chance yet.

So here I am, wondering if the kids will come laden with construction paper-cards and glitter and odds and ends that they usually give us gifts. Should I hope?

Leaving that topic, but sticking to Mother’s Day, the last Mother’s Day I spent with Mom was also my birthday. It was 2006 and she had Lung Cancer. May 14th. I was turning twenty-eight and she had come to the Unitarian church I was singing at to hear our concert. She showed up in a stark white, billowing head scarf. It startled me. But I remember looking out in the audience and seeing her beaming at me. She said that after all these years of hearing me in choirs, that she could still pick out my voice from everyone else’s. My birthday lands on Mother’s Day every 7 years, I believe. It was that way when I was born. I think it was fitting that that was the last Mother’s Day and my birthday that I spent with her.

Leaving that topic, but sticking to Mother’s Day, let me talk about my stepmother, Lyn. I don’t remember how old I was when I started giving Lyn Mother’s Day cards. I remember going down the Hallmark aisle looking for a card that had Mother’s Day sentiments but didn’t say “Dear Mom” on it. Believe me, it was hard! I often got a “Someone Special” card. Lyn always appreciated it. I wonder what she thought of those cards. I wonder if she actually wanted a real Mother’s Day card. Knowing her, I bet she didn’t sweat over it much. I remember a few years where I did find an actual Stepmother Mother’s Day card. But they don’t exist in numbers today. A stepmother friend of mine emailed Hallmark to complain about their lack of Stepmother cards for Mother’s Day and Hallmark answered, saying that the demand wasn’t that great. What? That’s B.S. There are more women becoming stepmothers today than at any other time.

When Mom died, I couldn’t bear to go down the Hallmark aisle at Mother’s Day. So I sent her hand-made cards, as if I was still a child, or called her… she appreciated both.

On this day, I wish to honor the mothers and Important Women I know in my life:

Lauren DeLegge

Vivian Vahlberg

Mary Rotter Fullerton

Melissa Barmore

Tricia Walton

Anne Edison-Swift

Karen Disney

Megan Schiwal

Megan Tucker Mueller

and oh so many other women who have been mothers, aunts, friends who have sometimes ACTED like mothers to me. …

thank you for being there for me.

Now…whether or not the kids give me anything tangible like a card for Mother’s Day, I still know they love me in the actions they do, the looks and smiles they give, the hugs I receive. I am a lucky stepmother in that, as of now (knock on wood), I don’t have any tensions with any of them; all I feel is the love. I know, further down the line, when they are in their preteen and teen years, that love may get tested, but for now I’m going to acknowledge to myself that I am a Stepmother. Quasi-mother. Mother figure. And that is enough. I am a good one, at that. And that, along with the love of my husband and stepchildren, is all I need.